Shakespeare, You Are Not

I get a lot of awful, ridiculous, eye-roll-worthy messages on the dating sites. It's amazing to me, at times, what people will put out there as a pick-up line. I'd like to share a few of my favorites with you.

1. Hi. You look like a playboy playmate.

• That was the whole message! I think I'm supposed to be flattered, but that's not exactly the look I'm going for, or the compliment I'm hoping to receive. Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet? Well, honey, your father saw my picture, compared me to a naked lady in a magazine, and the rest was history."

2. How are you today? I am April Break this week, so I'm enjoying some time away from school.

• Okay, now to be fair, there was nothing wrong with this email, per say, but the missing word...just two simple letters, completely changed the meaning of the sentence and I found it very interesting. This week, he is April Break. It sounds like a bad stripper name!

3. Hello. You are very beautiful and I know you are probably married, but I just wanted to let you know if you wanna text then we can.

• This message was funny on multiple levels. First, why would you assume I'm married when I'm on a DATING site? Second, and perhaps more importantly, it's great to know that even if I AM married, we can still text if I'd like. Good to know you have such a high set of morals. Or, was I supposed to read that and say, "Wow, he thinks I'm so great that I must already be snapped up off the market! How sweet!" Yeah...didn't so much have that effect.

4. Are you an ageist, or are you open to dating someone a little older? Please let me know. - Bruce (44 years old)

• Every guy knows that the way to a woman's heart is by insulting her. If you don't think a woman will talk to you, perhaps a little bullying will do the trick! Sorry, Bruce, but as it turns out, I guess I am a bit of an ageist - and also terribly allergic to douche bags.

5. Well, I'm old enough to be your father, so good luck in your search.

• Um...just...why? Why even email me in the first place? Just in case the idea of dating someone old enough to be my father is appealing?

6. And last but not least...this one might seem a bit familiar. If so, that's because it is a much longer version of a shorter email that I once dissected on my blog. The guy actually emailed me again, but with a much more detailed list of ridiculous gibberish...So, now, for your reading pleasure, I give you Literary Genius of the Dating World, Take 2.

Hello, my dear, may I say your beauty has me absolutely stunned! (Despite being stunned by my beauty before, he is still stunned again! I must really be something special. Also, let me just stop right here and say that when a guy emails me using a phrase like "my dear" it makes me feel like I'm being contacted by either a creepy evil genius in a bad b-movie, or my creepy uncle Saul (if I had a creepy uncle Saul, which, for the record, I do not...but if I did, he would totally say creepy-ass things like that!) My name is [Literary Genius]. I am 36, 6'2, 250 very athletic pounds. (Very athletic pounds? Swoon! You must be a hunk, Literary Genius!) I love almost all sports, but consider myself to be more of an intellect. I work out four very intense days per week. I am happily separated after 8 years of married. (Note...that is separated...not divorced...dude isn't even divorced yet!) I do not want someone who is shy, uptight or inhibited. (Translation: I want a chick who'll have lots of sex right away!) I am looking for someone whom I have a dangerously addictive chemistry with. (Really? Dangerously addictive? That doesn't sound entirely healthy or realistic. This is the real world, Literary Genius, not a Quentin Tarantino film.) I would love someone who is physically fit or at least goes to the gym. (Translation: No fatties!) I have seen so many people on here that only give one word or one line responses, or don't respond at all. I beseech (Oh! Someone has word of the day toilet paper!) you to not do the same. I hope we can find a connection, my dear. (Yuck! See my earlier comment about "my dear" and how much I love that phrase!)