Say Cheese!

I like to think that my little blog serves three main purposes: sharing my silly stories with my friends, dissecting my life for my own self-awareness/analysis, and enhancing the world with my own little pearls of wisdom.

This post is directed at the third objective. I've been in and out of the online dating world for the better part of 8 years – a fact that I am not terribly proud to acknowledge. Nevertheless, I've been around for a few years, in several different cities, and there are many online dating blunders that I have seen repeated over and over again. Whether it be a terrible profile picture, a generic or off-putting "About Me" message, or inappropriate introduction emails, online daters seem to get it wrong more often than right. 

Today, let's talk photos. I'm going to focus on the guys, because, as a straight, single woman, I've viewed my share of male profiles. I'm sure there are plenty of awful blunders in the ladies' profiles, too, but that's a topic for another time.

Common Dating Profile Photo Offenses

1. The Topless Photo – A sad attempt at a playgirl spread without the visible cash and prizes, or an obligatory attempt at showing off the pectoral region. Now, guys, I understand that it's summer, it's hot, and you're probably spending time out at the beach or on a boat, sans shirt, with friends snapping photos, and that's okay. I think it's fine to sneak one or two of those photos into the mix, if, of course, you've got a body worth showing off, or are very comfortable with the lack thereof, but maybe slip those into the middle of the pack, and reserve the main profile picture for a shot that is a bit less revealing. Of course, if you're just looking for a little fun and the occasional hook-up, plaster your hot bod on up there, but don't expect a woman who's looking for something more serious to pay much attention. We appreciate the view, but the photo doesn't exactly scream "mature and committed." Once out of our twenties, most women are looking for a little more J. Crew and a little less Jersey Shore.
   
   
2. The Mirror Shot – Posed shot in a mirror, holding the camera or phone in your hand. There is nothing natural or appealing about these shots. They are staged, awkward, and to be honest, we're usually checking out the background to see how dirty or messy it might be, instead of focusing on the macho pose you're striking. If you must take a photo of yourself, here's a helpful hint: just about every digital camera has a timer on it – set the timer, put the camera down, and pretend you're doing something other than striking a sexy pose in your bathroom.
    
3. The Angles – Originally perpetuated by the internet's abandoned playground formerly known as MySpace, the Angles are photos that only show a person from certain, specific angles, so that you're never totally sure how they really look. Like a mixed up puzzle, or a dissected Picasso, the Angles coincide with the Mirror Shot, often self-photographed, and generally looking like a model's pose gone horribly wrong.
    
4. The Arm-Stretch – An off-shoot of The Angles, the Arm-Stretch occurs when one takes a photo of himself while holding the camera up and out, shooting the pic at arm's length. This is only acceptable with two or more people in the photo, and preferably if you are all drunk. If you're alone, chances are whatever you're doing isn't interesting enough to take a photo of, and if it is, again, I highly recommend the camera timer.
    
5. The Not-My-Baby Photo – A photo of you holding someone else's baby. You post the pic, then you put up a caption explaining that the baby does not belong to you. Guys, I get that you're going for the whole "women love baby's" thing, but maybe just got with another picture and save yourself the trouble of explaining – or borrow a friend's puppy…much less likely to scare off the ladies.
    
6. The Visible Cut-Out – Scratched out, blurred out, colored out, cut out, or covered up picture of the person next to you. It's creepy, strange, and a little sad. If you have the photo on your computer, then chances are you have some kind of basic photo editing software. Find the crop tool. Embrace the crop tool. The crop tool is your friend.
    
7. The Beer Bottle Shot – This isn't a don't, per say. I'd just like to point out that a vast number of guys have shots of themselves, at a bar or party, eyelids half open, face a little red, beer bottle in hand. It's a classic, really, but maybe better left to those in their early 20s.
    
8. Thug Pose – The serious-face, flexed muscle shot, meant to look tough, rough, or otherwise badass. You're not fooling anyone, guys. Mom is your hero, and your pitbull, Daisy, is your baby-girl, so put the scowl away and give us a grin.