How to Turn a Woman Off (and other dating DON'Ts)

I have some strange turn-ons. Actually, that's not really true. I have some strange turn-OFFS. Specifically, the complete and utter lack of punctuation is an extreme turn-off for me. I get more and more emails from men with an absolute lack of punctuation, and I just don't understand it. He could be smart, he could be charming, he could have the looks of Brad Pitt and the wit of Woody Allen, but the minute he hits send without a single period or comma included, he turns into a bumbling, backwoods buffoon, with too many beer bottles and not enough books. All charm and intelligence goes right out the window.

Another turn-off – and this one is, hopefully, not so strange – A proposition for a date from a 61 year old man. Let's all just take a minute to consider the gross-factor here. I have to admit, I looked at his profile – not because I was interested in him, per say, but because I had to see what kind of 61 year old man hits on a 33 year old woman. He had no picture, of course, which screams that he is either married or physically horrifying, or both! My favorite part of the profile was the age range he was looking to date. I always look at this when I get a message from an older man…even slightly older…I think it says a lot about the person. This particular gentleman was looking to date women ages 20 – 40, because society and Hollywood has apparently taught men that that they can and should date woman much younger and better looking than themselves. Interestingly, it's not the same for women…with the super-hyped exception of Demi Moore, but to be fair, she's a Hollywood starlet and forever immortalized by the uber sexy pottery wheel scene in ghost, so she doesn't count.  Needless to say, I did not respond to him, but I can't help but wonder…if Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-This-Walker is not willing to date a 60 year old, what in the name of all that is holy and true makes him think that I am or should be willing to do so?

And lastly, turn-off number three – extreme arrogance. Now, let me explain. A little cockiness can be cute, especially if it's followed up with at least a tiny bit of humility, but there are some men out there, perhaps like our previously mentioned 61 year old bachelor, who truly believe they are a gift from the gods and we should thank our lucky stars that we get to so much as gaze upon their greatness. One such man really caught my attention, the sheer arrogance of his profile utterly astounding. He was divorced and had no pictures of himself. (You already know what I think of that.) But if he deemed a lucky lady worthy enough, he would grant her with a photo upon request. Instead, he had a photo of a young, skinny, big-breasted blond woman as his profile picture, and claimed that she was his ex-wife…interesting, since she was wearing a Hooters girl outfit in front of a restaurant surrounded by palm trees…but hey! Maybe he lived in Florida and his wife was a Hooters girl…it's possible. He claimed that he was putting that picture up instead to show that he "pulls tens." Even the way he stated that just screams "Hi! I’m a douche bag!" He bragged about the condos he owns, the car he drives, and the big piles of money he, no doubt, rolls around in on his giant, lonely bed of shame, and he implored the ladies of the online dating world to email him if they thought they were as hot as his ex.

Sir – Your arrogance has hit new heights of douche-baggery, never before seen by the world. Congratulations.

Thanks For All the Fish

I'd like to take a moment to thank the fine men of plentyoffish.com for the constant, never ending, ridiculous fodder for my blog. Without you, gentlemen, my life would be far less amusing. 

I'd like to thank the old dude who kept sending me gross messages, each dirtier than the previous. After I called you out on your disgusting behavior, Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-This-Beer-Gut, you explained, through a string of words so crude and disgusting that I would never repeat them on this blog, that you were sleeping your way through the ladies of the dating site, and that all women were beneath you. Though I don't believe, for a second, that you could find as many hard-up women to sleep with as you claim, thank you - for putting it in writing…It made it much easier to get your profile shut down.

I'd also like to thank the man who sent me an angry message after I did not immediately respond to his first message, of, "Let's get a drink tonight." Though you think that my not responding within 20 minutes was "rude," Mr. Entitled, I appreciate your zeal. Unfortunately, I think that your two condos, boat, expensive car, and piles of money may have gone to your head. I'm afraid you simply cannot get everything you want the second you want it, and perhaps with the next girl you should try a slightly softer approach…maybe start with, "Hello, my name is ____." Just a thought.

And, finally, let me thank the many strange, awkward gentlemen who have sent me compliments that, quite frankly, really aren't compliments at all. 

• "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ricki Lake?" I know, she's lost weight, she's cute…but really, not the best celeb look-alike option out there.
  
• "I mean this only in a good way: I love that tiny asymmetry in your eyes. It makes you real." Though I do believe he meant this to be a compliment, I read it and all I could think was…my eyes are crooked??? How have I never noticed this!

 So, thank you, all ye fish, and keep the crazy coming:)

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