Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent Ya!

Ok, I'm not the biggest girl on the planet...Not even close...They wouldn't even consider me for The Biggest Loser, but I have to admit, that at this moment, I weigh more than I would like, more than I am comfortable with, and more than I should. I'm no longer teetering on the edge of average/over-weight...I've jumped right over the side and am splashing around in the deep end!

I am, in fact, and I can't believe I'm going to admit this, twenty pounds heavier than I was a year ago. Twenty pounds! That's one of those big weights at the gym that are reserved for people with more muscle than myself. I've noticed a few things that have come with the weight (not including the lower self-esteem, derailed body image, and penchant for baggy clothes):

1. I waddle. I waddle when I walk...or at least, I feel like I'm waddling. I feel like a fricking penguin in heels!

2. Clothes don't fit. I know, this seems like it would be an obvious side-effect, hardly worth mentioning, but the thing is that until now I just kept telling myself "it must have shrunk," but eventually you have to admit that your jeans, shirts, bras AND shoes have not all shrunk. It is I who is in need of a little shrinking.

So, in light of my big fat realization, I have recently started doing several things...

1. Eating better. This means no more fast food (yuck), much less carbs (who needs 'em!), all natural, low-gluten food (gluten and me...we don't get along), and veggies, veggies, veggies!

2. More frequent, small, healthy meals. A plate of potato salad and a 100 calorie chips ahoy snack pack counts, right?

3. No more diet soda. It's nothing but water for me from now on. Water...and caffeine withdrawal headaches! Woohoo!

4. Working out. I've been going to the gym at least 3 times a week, and walking at least a mile or two a day...So far so good. I haven't fallen down or passed out or anything!

5. Wellness Spa. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for three days at a wellness spa retreat in the Poconos. I'm hoping that all the yoga (which I love and miss), exercise, nutrition/cooking classes and relaxation will be the jump start I need to getting back to the slightly slimmer, much happier me.

My Latest Revolation

I think, just possibly, I have figured out the lesson I need to learn...the mistake I keep repeating...I think I put too much pressure on someone and something upfront, wondering if it has long-term potential, questioning where it could go, are we compatible, blah blah blah...and I weight everything down with this worry, which is really just fear of being hurt, but inevitably, I am creating what I most fear, when in fact, I should be living in the moment, and questioning only if I am happy, enjoying myself, having fun. Is the person kind? Do we laugh? Do we have fun? Do I want to see him again? If I do, then I should, end of story. I think I need to stop putting this pressure of time time time running out, and just enjoy the now.

Thank you, O-Be-Zen-Snyder for the moment for clarity:)

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

When last I wrote, I was contemplating getting back together with my most recent ex. I am happy to say that I have seen the light on that one, and sidestepped the landmine. 

And jumped right onto another one, which leads to me wondering about truth and lies and what part they play in dating. 

We all lie, at times, right? We offer little lies, to make people feel better.

Those jeans don't make your ass look big. You're way prettier than she is. Size doesn't matter. It's not you, it's me. 

So, yeah, we all cough up a fib from time to time, but for the most part, I try to live an honest life, especially when it comes to the guys I'm dating. Now, I've always believed this was a good thing, that a relationship is built on trust, and being open and honest was the key to success. I don’t believe in playing games or beating around the bush. I believe that you ask for what you want and you get back what you put out in the world. So, I've never been ashamed to say that I want a relationship. I want a companion, a best friend, a partner-in-crime. I want someone to have fun with, laugh with, dine with, travel with. I want someone to come home to. And not just anyone, mind you, but someone I click with, have chemistry with, and genuinely enjoy spending time with.

I've put that out there. I've looked for it. I've asked for it. I've tried to find out.

I'm still searching.

Now, we can chalk that up to a couple of different things: I just haven't found the right guy, I'm looking in all the wrong places, the gods enjoys a good laugh at my expense, or I am now covered in a stink of desperation so thick that no man can penetrate it.

I've considered the first three possibilities in the past, but had never really contemplated that last one. Desperation. All this time, I thought that laying down my cards and being clear about what I was looking for was a good thing, a way to weed out the bad seeds and find what I want. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend, and there's no point in wasting any time or heartache, but now I'm starting to wonder…is honesty the best policy? Should I be so clear about what I want? Is asking outright for something the best way to get it?

Or, as I am starting to suspect, is there a place for games in dating? Am I better off playing it cool, stopping the search, and accepting the casual acquaintances that keep filing into my life, interested in all levels of companionship except for complete commitment? Should I hold the cards closer to my chest? 

I'm not sure I have the stamina to play those games, but one thing is for sure…I am repeating the same thing over and over…hearing the same words, "I really like you, I want to be with you, but I just can't commit right now."

I firmly believe that life will keep sending the same lesson until you learn it. The question is, what is my lesson? What am I missing? Am I really picking the same wrong guy over and over? Or is it me? Am I inadvertently sending out the wrong message? 

Is honesty really the ultimate fallacy?