How to Bore, Annoy, and Otherwise Anger a Woman on the First Date

I was going to post about the Gilda's Club bachelor auction tonight, but after I wrote the whole very interesting and amusing story, my cat stepped on the keyboard and deleted the whole thing. Unwilling to endure the tedium of re-writing it tonight, I give you, instead, the slightly less amusing story of my date from earlier this week.

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We plan and we primp. We color and condition. We blow dry, we straighten and curl. We flip and we fluff. We file and polish. We exfoliate, we wax and we apply makeup. We wear heels that are tall and dresses that are short, and then we brave the elements and all the havoc they make wreak on the beauty we've created.

It’s amazing how much effort we put into something like a first date, and it’s incredibly frustrating when said date ends up being a total bust.

It’s been said that a person feels like they’re having a good time when they’re talking about themselves, so you should ask lots of questions on a date. Well, I’m sure my date had a really great time, because he did nothing but talk about himself the entire time. We met for drinks at the Winfield, a great little bar/restaurant near my house, and I sat down, ordered a beer and then listened to him talk about himself, brag about himself, and contradict himself for the next hour.

And I learned lots of interesting things about Sir-Talks-A-Lot. I learned that he’s really 43 – not 41, like he originally said…and 41 was already pushing my age limit. I learned that though he says he’s a very easy going guy who never gets angry or loses his cool, he has an awful lot of stories about getting angry with someone and…well…losing his cool. I learned that he hasn’t worked in six months, but he doesn’t really need to because he just rents a room from a buddy and doesn’t really have any costs or responsibilities.(Nothing sexier than a deadbeat with no ambition!)

Oh! And I learned that he is still totally in love with his ex. I learned a lot about her, too. Actually, I learned a lot about her, and her crazy stalker ex-boyfriend, and her two kids, and her minister mother, and even her minister mother’s diabetic dog!

At one point, while he paused to gulp down his third beer, I asked if he was interested in knowing anything about me. He stared directly at my chest and said, “Nah, I like to go on first impressions." He then continued to tell me more about himself.

Eventually, I started to fain exhaustion, yawning and looking sleepy…or bored…take your pick, and finally made my getaway. He called shortly after, to see when I’d like to go out again, so I did the kind, good-karma thing and let him know, nicely, that there wouldn’t be a second date.

Now, I’m all for getting to know each other, and I love to ask my date about himself and learn who he is and what he’s about, and I don’t consider myself to be a very demanding or high-maintenance woman, but I do have a few general must-haves. 1. At least pretend to be slightly interested in SOMETHING about me…other than my chest, and 2. Don’t be completely hung up on your ex…or do a better job pretending that you’re not.