Yet Another One Bites the Dust

I waited a few days before writing this, not sure it even bared mentioning, but there are lessons to be learning and laughs to be had with each and every dating dud, downfall, and debacle...And this should be no different.

I've been "seeing" someone for the last eight weeks, and I use the term "seeing" loosely, because we had seven dates in eight weeks, and the farthest things went was a long anticipated but disappointing, lukewarm hug at the end of date number six. Not a great sign.

I spent the last eight weeks enjoying our dates, and feeling like we had a lot in common, a good, friendly connection, but I wasn't really sure if he actually liked me as anything more than a friend. One would think that you could assume he was interested, since he repeatedly asked me out, held doors, and insisted on paying, but I usually go by the tell tale little touches, hugs, or perhaps the occasional kiss. With this guy, though, I had none of that. And yeah, it was nice to know someone wasn't just going out with me to get sex, and sure, he respected my body, blah blah blah. (Especially good since I'm attempting the whole "no sex before monogamy" thing.) But after a while I was thinking I needed to accept that if he seems like he's just not that into you, he's not.

Nevertheless, I was having fun getting to know him, and had no other prospects in sight, so I ignored other bad signs, like the fact that he would go onto the dating sight right after getting home from a date with me. (Yes, yes, I'm a total cyber stalker...but if I have to do the online dating thing, I should at least get to enjoy the creepy benefits.)

Our eight week, hands-free affair culminated this past week when we went out to dinner. The day before, I noticed that he had taken his profile down from the dating site, an act I took to be a very good sign. I thought he was ready to stop looking. I thought he was ready to get serious, and he was, just not with me.

He picked me up and we went out for a lovely meal, chock full of good food and conversation. Afterward, he drove me home, pulled up the driveway and put the car into park, but didn't turn it off, and instead turned toward me and said, "Jen, I need to talk to you about something." Now, you might think he was going to say, "I really like you," or, "be my girlfriend," or something equally enjoyable, but I could tell from the tone of his voice and the look on the face that was not what was coming. My heart dropped a little and I felt a wide, fake smile spread across my face as I listened to him explain that he'd been casually dating online, but now he's met someone he wants to get serious about...and obviously that someone wasn't me. Smile still plastered to my face, I thanked him for his honesty, got out of the car, took my walk of rejection, and moved on.

But here's the kicker...At the end of our lovely meal, I unwittingly insisted on paying for the very dinner that was to be the precursor to my castoff, since "it wasn't fair to always let him pay." And he let me, knowing full well he was about to dump me on my ass.

I should have demanded my money back.

The Games We Play

I've been thinking a lot lately about dating, and the games people play. 

You'll never hear someone say, "I really prefer to get to know the false you, fall in love, and THEN learn how crazy you really are."

No one will say that, but we all do it. You'd be hard-pressed to find an online dating profile that says, "I'm an up-tight, neurotic basket-case with emotional baggage and daddy issues." In the beginning, we wouldn't be caught dead in that ragged old t-shirt we like to sleep in, or with a sink full of dishes and clothes on the bedroom floor.

Instead, we all walk a tightrope of trying to really getting to know someone without showing our true, deep, dark colors. Some say dating is like an interview process. I think dating is more like trying to play Euchre with a new partner. You have to try to learn each other's tells, read your partner's hand, figure out when to trump high and when to go-it-alone.

It is difficult and tiresome, and you usually lose in the end.

It isn't until we're in full-on relationship mode that we let things go. It isn't until that point that we stop waking extra early to brush our teeth before slipping back into bed, stop cleaning the entire home every time he comes over, or actually go "number two" while she's in the house.

It isn't until we are safely and securely ensconced in a relationship that we really start to be who we truly are.

So why do we do it? Why must we play these games? Why can't we just say what we mean, and act as we feel? Why must we wait to call, play hard-to-get, and question how soon too soon is for the first kiss, the first over-night, or the first time meeting friend? Why can't we just be ourselves, for better or worse? Why is that so terrifying?

Okay, so I'm not going to suddenly stop dolling myself up for a first date, or cleaning the bathroom before a new guy comes over, but I would like to think that maybe, just maybe I could stop questioning and second-guessing and just go with the flow. I'd like to believe that I can just enjoy each moment, without over-thinking and analyzing it, that I can be just as available as I want to be, and that maybe, just maybe, I'll find a guy who happens to enjoy my own special brand of crazy for what it is.

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

When last I wrote, I was contemplating getting back together with my most recent ex. I am happy to say that I have seen the light on that one, and sidestepped the landmine. 

And jumped right onto another one, which leads to me wondering about truth and lies and what part they play in dating. 

We all lie, at times, right? We offer little lies, to make people feel better.

Those jeans don't make your ass look big. You're way prettier than she is. Size doesn't matter. It's not you, it's me. 

So, yeah, we all cough up a fib from time to time, but for the most part, I try to live an honest life, especially when it comes to the guys I'm dating. Now, I've always believed this was a good thing, that a relationship is built on trust, and being open and honest was the key to success. I don’t believe in playing games or beating around the bush. I believe that you ask for what you want and you get back what you put out in the world. So, I've never been ashamed to say that I want a relationship. I want a companion, a best friend, a partner-in-crime. I want someone to have fun with, laugh with, dine with, travel with. I want someone to come home to. And not just anyone, mind you, but someone I click with, have chemistry with, and genuinely enjoy spending time with.

I've put that out there. I've looked for it. I've asked for it. I've tried to find out.

I'm still searching.

Now, we can chalk that up to a couple of different things: I just haven't found the right guy, I'm looking in all the wrong places, the gods enjoys a good laugh at my expense, or I am now covered in a stink of desperation so thick that no man can penetrate it.

I've considered the first three possibilities in the past, but had never really contemplated that last one. Desperation. All this time, I thought that laying down my cards and being clear about what I was looking for was a good thing, a way to weed out the bad seeds and find what I want. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend, and there's no point in wasting any time or heartache, but now I'm starting to wonder…is honesty the best policy? Should I be so clear about what I want? Is asking outright for something the best way to get it?

Or, as I am starting to suspect, is there a place for games in dating? Am I better off playing it cool, stopping the search, and accepting the casual acquaintances that keep filing into my life, interested in all levels of companionship except for complete commitment? Should I hold the cards closer to my chest? 

I'm not sure I have the stamina to play those games, but one thing is for sure…I am repeating the same thing over and over…hearing the same words, "I really like you, I want to be with you, but I just can't commit right now."

I firmly believe that life will keep sending the same lesson until you learn it. The question is, what is my lesson? What am I missing? Am I really picking the same wrong guy over and over? Or is it me? Am I inadvertently sending out the wrong message? 

Is honesty really the ultimate fallacy?

Evolve or Die

You may have noticed that my blog design is a little different. It's evolving...I'm sure there will be more tweaks over the next week or two as I play with the design. It's a work in progress...changing, evolving, changing, evolving...

Which brings me to my current conundrum - Can a relationship that didn't work once, because of bad timing, work a second time?

Everyone goes through phases where they are working through major life changes. For some people it comes after graduating from college, getting married, getting divorced, or having a baby. For me, this time of life was punctuated with southern accents, cockroaches, subway cars and airplane terminals. It was a long, difficult process, and not one that I had ever wanted to start, since I already considered myself to be a pretty awesome version of who I was, but after many nights of soul-searching and fighting through heartache, homesickness, and a total loss of self, I came out the other side as an even better, more evolved version of me. (Who would have thought I could be more awesome than I already was?!)

When I started dating my ex, it was very obvious that he was still trudging through the middle of his own life-altering process. I knew that, and I had hoped that he'd make it out the other side with our relationship still in tact and even stronger for it, but alas, in the end, we needed separation. He needed time to re-learn who he was and what he wanted, and I needed someone who already had that figured out, so I chalked it up to bad timing and I cut and ran.

Now, six months later, he is insisting that he's come out the other side and is ready for the next steps in life, ready to commit, ready to be what I want and need. The question is, could six months have made that much of a difference? And, more importantly, can a relationship that didn't work the first time, work when given a second try?

I've always been against the make-up-break-up relationships that drama-seekers seem to thrive on. I've never even considered dating someone that I dated before, but I also never stopped dating someone just because we were in different places in life. So does that matter? Can it work out if I give it another try, or can this only end in tears?

How to Bore, Annoy, and Otherwise Anger a Woman on the First Date

I was going to post about the Gilda's Club bachelor auction tonight, but after I wrote the whole very interesting and amusing story, my cat stepped on the keyboard and deleted the whole thing. Unwilling to endure the tedium of re-writing it tonight, I give you, instead, the slightly less amusing story of my date from earlier this week.

*

We plan and we primp. We color and condition. We blow dry, we straighten and curl. We flip and we fluff. We file and polish. We exfoliate, we wax and we apply makeup. We wear heels that are tall and dresses that are short, and then we brave the elements and all the havoc they make wreak on the beauty we've created.

It’s amazing how much effort we put into something like a first date, and it’s incredibly frustrating when said date ends up being a total bust.

It’s been said that a person feels like they’re having a good time when they’re talking about themselves, so you should ask lots of questions on a date. Well, I’m sure my date had a really great time, because he did nothing but talk about himself the entire time. We met for drinks at the Winfield, a great little bar/restaurant near my house, and I sat down, ordered a beer and then listened to him talk about himself, brag about himself, and contradict himself for the next hour.

And I learned lots of interesting things about Sir-Talks-A-Lot. I learned that he’s really 43 – not 41, like he originally said…and 41 was already pushing my age limit. I learned that though he says he’s a very easy going guy who never gets angry or loses his cool, he has an awful lot of stories about getting angry with someone and…well…losing his cool. I learned that he hasn’t worked in six months, but he doesn’t really need to because he just rents a room from a buddy and doesn’t really have any costs or responsibilities.(Nothing sexier than a deadbeat with no ambition!)

Oh! And I learned that he is still totally in love with his ex. I learned a lot about her, too. Actually, I learned a lot about her, and her crazy stalker ex-boyfriend, and her two kids, and her minister mother, and even her minister mother’s diabetic dog!

At one point, while he paused to gulp down his third beer, I asked if he was interested in knowing anything about me. He stared directly at my chest and said, “Nah, I like to go on first impressions." He then continued to tell me more about himself.

Eventually, I started to fain exhaustion, yawning and looking sleepy…or bored…take your pick, and finally made my getaway. He called shortly after, to see when I’d like to go out again, so I did the kind, good-karma thing and let him know, nicely, that there wouldn’t be a second date.

Now, I’m all for getting to know each other, and I love to ask my date about himself and learn who he is and what he’s about, and I don’t consider myself to be a very demanding or high-maintenance woman, but I do have a few general must-haves. 1. At least pretend to be slightly interested in SOMETHING about me…other than my chest, and 2. Don’t be completely hung up on your ex…or do a better job pretending that you’re not.

Literary Geniuses of the Dating World

I get a lot of bad emails on the dating sites. I get a lot of messages that just say "How you doin?" (and they're not being ironic.) I get guys who ask, "Where are you from?" Which ensures that they have not read my profile, since the very first sentence says, "I'm from Buffalo." And I once got an email from two different guys on the same day who had identical profiles, which, after a little investigation, I discovered were copied from a site that taught men how to write a good online profile. (Here's a little tip, guys...Don't copy the sample profile WORD FOR WORD!)

But some of my very favorite messages are the form messages, clearly sent to everyone without any personalization whatsoever, and full of sexual sub-context.

Here's once such message... (copied and pasted word for misspelled word)

You look absolutely stunning my dear.I'm here for the same reason that most are and that is to find someone that I truely enjoy being around.Someone to compliment who I am and I can enhance who they are.I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and
romance.From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,someone whom I can have a
stimulating intelectual conversation with.I hope to talk to you later.

Let's break this down.

You look absolutely stunning my dear.

Translation - I'd do you.
I've been given a lot of compliments over the years, but I think this is my first "stunning," and I can tell by the generic context of the rest of the email that he really, truly meant it!

I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and romance.

Translation - I heard the word "bipartisanship" on the news and it makes me sounds smart, and I'm looking for lots of sex, sex, and sex.

From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.

Translation - You're not ugly and you look easy.
Fantastic! Just the impression I was going for! How, exactly, does one seem to be extroverted...especially when one is really not?

I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,

Translation - I'm looking for a girl who wants sex, sex, and sex. 

whom I can have a stimulating intelectual conversation with.

Translation - After the sex we can talk for a while until I fall asleep.

Now, I realize I might seem a tad cynical, here, and maybe a bit mean, but come on! This is what we single women are working with!

A Watched Phone Never Rings

So I went on a date the other night. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that we met on a certain dating site, we exchanged emails, then texts, and then met, and unlike most "first dates" I've had, this one actually went really well. Conversation flowed smoothly, we laughed a lot, we had a couple drinks, played a little darts...It was a very fun time. He was polite, but sarcastic (in a good way), he paid, and he even walked me to my car. He said he'd like to go out again, I sent my customary "Thanks for tonight, I had a great time," follow-up text, and three days later - I got nothing.

Ok, so to be fair, he had a party Friday night and I had a small get together at my house Saturday night, which just left Sunday. Was hoping I would hear from him today, but I didn't.

Here's where I think the train might have run off the tracks - When my friends got to my house last night I told them a bit about him and they urged me to invite him over. I thought it was too soon, which is why I hadn't already done it, but of course the idea sounded nice, so I texted him to see if he was free. He texted back to say he was out with friends. Ok, no big deal, but now that meant that I couldn't text him today, because then I'd be the creepy texts-too-much stalker girl. So, now the ball is in his court and I have to wait and see if he'll do something with it. If he's interested, he'll call. Right?

But, of course, he hasn't. He still could, and I hope he does, but hasn't, which is a little bit of a bummer, because we seemed to hit it off, we had fun, and let's face it, I'm a delightful human being that any man would be lucky to have!

Speed Dating

So, last night I went on a date with 9 different guys. Each date lasted a short and blessed 6 minutes.

That's right, I went SPEED DATING!!!!

I always wanted to try it. I didn't have very high expectations, which, as it turns out, was a good thing, though it wasn't as bad as I expected. Everyone seemed fairly normally, relatively easy to talk to, but I had zero interest in any of them. Not wanting to put absolutely no matches down, I choose two...a psycho-therapist who looked like his face was made out of plastic and had the personality of a Ken doll, and an IT guy who spent the entire time talking about the house he bought without realizing how much fixing it needed. I wasn't actually interested in them, felt no connection and figured they didn't either, but I had to put something.

The email with my matches was waiting for me when I got home. As it turned out, neither of my picks choose me, but I did get four other undesirables that deemed me date-worthy. Four out of nine. Now, I don't think I'm a supermodel or anything, but I do think I'm a fairly good catch, and yet only four out of nine picked me? The bald professor that liked swing dancing didn't pick me? The chubby nurse who was clearly gay but didn't know it didn't pick me? The Ken doll with no personality didn't pick me???

I have to say, it's a little discouraging to get rejected by people you don't even like.

The highlight of the evening came with my second last dater, who was actually someone I had gone out with once, about a year ago. The best part...I'd made a huge fool out of myself when we'd gone out a year before.

Let me set the scene...It was a snowy night. I was in a bar downtown. I had spent almost three hours listening to him drone on about his horrible wife who was divorcing him, the job he'd just lost, and the house he was building but probably wouldn't be able to afford anymore. A real winner! When I was finally getting ready to leave, I couldn't find my keys. I was in a bit of a panic - not because I would have to call AAA and wait, or because some crazy person might have the keys to my car and house, but because I might be stuck talking to this guy even longer. He walked me to my car, looked in the window and saw the keys in the ignition. He pulled open the door, which I had apparently forgotten to lock, and that was when I first noticed that my car, unlike all the others, had no snow on it, despite being on the street during a fairly heavy snow fall. Then I heard the music blaring as he opened the door. Then I felt the heat pouring out.

That's right - I left my car running for the entire three hours that I was in the bar!

So, when he walked up to the table and sat down, he said "I've met you before," and I said, "That's right. I'm the crazy girl who left her car running for three hours!"

His response: "I tell everyone that story!"

And now, apparently, so do I :)

Out of the Frying Pan

Day 16

Dear time: Thank you for doing your magical little healing thing.

I've made it safely out of the weepy, sad, angry phase...for the most part...and into the "perhaps I'll just stay single and drama-free forever" phase.

And to celebrate, tomorrow I will be trying speed...wait for it...dating! That's right, speed dating. I have no desire to meet a guy right now, so it's the perfect time to try something that I've always wanted to check out without feeling sad and pitiful when I go home alone. It think it's like a train wreck, or The Jersey Shore...It's horrible, but I can't look away.

It will be, either, an evening of ridiculous amusement, or an evening of painfully dull and awkward conversations at 6 minute intervals.

Well, probably a little bit of both.

The File System

Day 11

My mentor and first post-college boss once shared this theory, which had been passed down by her very wise husband...

The File System

Every man has a file system. Every woman that he dates gets a folder. When he's done dating the woman, he puts her folder into the back of the filing cabinet. Periodically, for a multitude of reasons, he goes through the filing cabinet, pulls out a random folder and calls the woman. He never gets rids of the folders, just keeps refiling them.

This explains so much.

This explains why ex-boyfriends have popped up after years and years of (as it should be) no contact, why a friend of mine got a call from her senior prom date ten years after the events, and why I have never dated a guy that didn't in same way, at some time, try to come back into my life.

This explains why I knew a guy who called after we hadn't talked for a few years, saying that he was getting married soon and wanted to see if I wanted to get together one more time for a drink or something. He must have been emptying out the filing cabinet before the big day!

I, as well as girl friends of mine, have explained this theory to guys. They always swear they won't do it, they don't have a filing system and they would never stoop so low as to pull a folder back out once it's been filed away, but every single one of them did do just that.

Women don't do this. For the most part, when we end a relationship, or decide that one or two dates was more than enough, we don't put the folder into a filing cabinet. We burn the folder. We hold it out, light it on fire and watch it burn. Occasionally, down the road, we might catch the scent of a camp fire, or the flick of burning ash and wonder, for a moment, was burning that folder the right call? But we always realize that, yes, in fact, it was. We stopped dating for a reason; no point in shuffling through old files when there are brand new ones to be made.