Yet Another One Bites the Dust

I waited a few days before writing this, not sure it even bared mentioning, but there are lessons to be learning and laughs to be had with each and every dating dud, downfall, and debacle...And this should be no different.

I've been "seeing" someone for the last eight weeks, and I use the term "seeing" loosely, because we had seven dates in eight weeks, and the farthest things went was a long anticipated but disappointing, lukewarm hug at the end of date number six. Not a great sign.

I spent the last eight weeks enjoying our dates, and feeling like we had a lot in common, a good, friendly connection, but I wasn't really sure if he actually liked me as anything more than a friend. One would think that you could assume he was interested, since he repeatedly asked me out, held doors, and insisted on paying, but I usually go by the tell tale little touches, hugs, or perhaps the occasional kiss. With this guy, though, I had none of that. And yeah, it was nice to know someone wasn't just going out with me to get sex, and sure, he respected my body, blah blah blah. (Especially good since I'm attempting the whole "no sex before monogamy" thing.) But after a while I was thinking I needed to accept that if he seems like he's just not that into you, he's not.

Nevertheless, I was having fun getting to know him, and had no other prospects in sight, so I ignored other bad signs, like the fact that he would go onto the dating sight right after getting home from a date with me. (Yes, yes, I'm a total cyber stalker...but if I have to do the online dating thing, I should at least get to enjoy the creepy benefits.)

Our eight week, hands-free affair culminated this past week when we went out to dinner. The day before, I noticed that he had taken his profile down from the dating site, an act I took to be a very good sign. I thought he was ready to stop looking. I thought he was ready to get serious, and he was, just not with me.

He picked me up and we went out for a lovely meal, chock full of good food and conversation. Afterward, he drove me home, pulled up the driveway and put the car into park, but didn't turn it off, and instead turned toward me and said, "Jen, I need to talk to you about something." Now, you might think he was going to say, "I really like you," or, "be my girlfriend," or something equally enjoyable, but I could tell from the tone of his voice and the look on the face that was not what was coming. My heart dropped a little and I felt a wide, fake smile spread across my face as I listened to him explain that he'd been casually dating online, but now he's met someone he wants to get serious about...and obviously that someone wasn't me. Smile still plastered to my face, I thanked him for his honesty, got out of the car, took my walk of rejection, and moved on.

But here's the kicker...At the end of our lovely meal, I unwittingly insisted on paying for the very dinner that was to be the precursor to my castoff, since "it wasn't fair to always let him pay." And he let me, knowing full well he was about to dump me on my ass.

I should have demanded my money back.

How to Turn a Woman Off (and other dating DON'Ts)

I have some strange turn-ons. Actually, that's not really true. I have some strange turn-OFFS. Specifically, the complete and utter lack of punctuation is an extreme turn-off for me. I get more and more emails from men with an absolute lack of punctuation, and I just don't understand it. He could be smart, he could be charming, he could have the looks of Brad Pitt and the wit of Woody Allen, but the minute he hits send without a single period or comma included, he turns into a bumbling, backwoods buffoon, with too many beer bottles and not enough books. All charm and intelligence goes right out the window.

Another turn-off – and this one is, hopefully, not so strange – A proposition for a date from a 61 year old man. Let's all just take a minute to consider the gross-factor here. I have to admit, I looked at his profile – not because I was interested in him, per say, but because I had to see what kind of 61 year old man hits on a 33 year old woman. He had no picture, of course, which screams that he is either married or physically horrifying, or both! My favorite part of the profile was the age range he was looking to date. I always look at this when I get a message from an older man…even slightly older…I think it says a lot about the person. This particular gentleman was looking to date women ages 20 – 40, because society and Hollywood has apparently taught men that that they can and should date woman much younger and better looking than themselves. Interestingly, it's not the same for women…with the super-hyped exception of Demi Moore, but to be fair, she's a Hollywood starlet and forever immortalized by the uber sexy pottery wheel scene in ghost, so she doesn't count.  Needless to say, I did not respond to him, but I can't help but wonder…if Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-This-Walker is not willing to date a 60 year old, what in the name of all that is holy and true makes him think that I am or should be willing to do so?

And lastly, turn-off number three – extreme arrogance. Now, let me explain. A little cockiness can be cute, especially if it's followed up with at least a tiny bit of humility, but there are some men out there, perhaps like our previously mentioned 61 year old bachelor, who truly believe they are a gift from the gods and we should thank our lucky stars that we get to so much as gaze upon their greatness. One such man really caught my attention, the sheer arrogance of his profile utterly astounding. He was divorced and had no pictures of himself. (You already know what I think of that.) But if he deemed a lucky lady worthy enough, he would grant her with a photo upon request. Instead, he had a photo of a young, skinny, big-breasted blond woman as his profile picture, and claimed that she was his ex-wife…interesting, since she was wearing a Hooters girl outfit in front of a restaurant surrounded by palm trees…but hey! Maybe he lived in Florida and his wife was a Hooters girl…it's possible. He claimed that he was putting that picture up instead to show that he "pulls tens." Even the way he stated that just screams "Hi! I’m a douche bag!" He bragged about the condos he owns, the car he drives, and the big piles of money he, no doubt, rolls around in on his giant, lonely bed of shame, and he implored the ladies of the online dating world to email him if they thought they were as hot as his ex.

Sir – Your arrogance has hit new heights of douche-baggery, never before seen by the world. Congratulations.

Thanks For All the Fish

I'd like to take a moment to thank the fine men of plentyoffish.com for the constant, never ending, ridiculous fodder for my blog. Without you, gentlemen, my life would be far less amusing. 

I'd like to thank the old dude who kept sending me gross messages, each dirtier than the previous. After I called you out on your disgusting behavior, Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-This-Beer-Gut, you explained, through a string of words so crude and disgusting that I would never repeat them on this blog, that you were sleeping your way through the ladies of the dating site, and that all women were beneath you. Though I don't believe, for a second, that you could find as many hard-up women to sleep with as you claim, thank you - for putting it in writing…It made it much easier to get your profile shut down.

I'd also like to thank the man who sent me an angry message after I did not immediately respond to his first message, of, "Let's get a drink tonight." Though you think that my not responding within 20 minutes was "rude," Mr. Entitled, I appreciate your zeal. Unfortunately, I think that your two condos, boat, expensive car, and piles of money may have gone to your head. I'm afraid you simply cannot get everything you want the second you want it, and perhaps with the next girl you should try a slightly softer approach…maybe start with, "Hello, my name is ____." Just a thought.

And, finally, let me thank the many strange, awkward gentlemen who have sent me compliments that, quite frankly, really aren't compliments at all. 

• "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ricki Lake?" I know, she's lost weight, she's cute…but really, not the best celeb look-alike option out there.
  
• "I mean this only in a good way: I love that tiny asymmetry in your eyes. It makes you real." Though I do believe he meant this to be a compliment, I read it and all I could think was…my eyes are crooked??? How have I never noticed this!

 So, thank you, all ye fish, and keep the crazy coming:)

-        

Say Cheese!

I like to think that my little blog serves three main purposes: sharing my silly stories with my friends, dissecting my life for my own self-awareness/analysis, and enhancing the world with my own little pearls of wisdom.

This post is directed at the third objective. I've been in and out of the online dating world for the better part of 8 years – a fact that I am not terribly proud to acknowledge. Nevertheless, I've been around for a few years, in several different cities, and there are many online dating blunders that I have seen repeated over and over again. Whether it be a terrible profile picture, a generic or off-putting "About Me" message, or inappropriate introduction emails, online daters seem to get it wrong more often than right. 

Today, let's talk photos. I'm going to focus on the guys, because, as a straight, single woman, I've viewed my share of male profiles. I'm sure there are plenty of awful blunders in the ladies' profiles, too, but that's a topic for another time.

Common Dating Profile Photo Offenses

1. The Topless Photo – A sad attempt at a playgirl spread without the visible cash and prizes, or an obligatory attempt at showing off the pectoral region. Now, guys, I understand that it's summer, it's hot, and you're probably spending time out at the beach or on a boat, sans shirt, with friends snapping photos, and that's okay. I think it's fine to sneak one or two of those photos into the mix, if, of course, you've got a body worth showing off, or are very comfortable with the lack thereof, but maybe slip those into the middle of the pack, and reserve the main profile picture for a shot that is a bit less revealing. Of course, if you're just looking for a little fun and the occasional hook-up, plaster your hot bod on up there, but don't expect a woman who's looking for something more serious to pay much attention. We appreciate the view, but the photo doesn't exactly scream "mature and committed." Once out of our twenties, most women are looking for a little more J. Crew and a little less Jersey Shore.
   
   
2. The Mirror Shot – Posed shot in a mirror, holding the camera or phone in your hand. There is nothing natural or appealing about these shots. They are staged, awkward, and to be honest, we're usually checking out the background to see how dirty or messy it might be, instead of focusing on the macho pose you're striking. If you must take a photo of yourself, here's a helpful hint: just about every digital camera has a timer on it – set the timer, put the camera down, and pretend you're doing something other than striking a sexy pose in your bathroom.
    
3. The Angles – Originally perpetuated by the internet's abandoned playground formerly known as MySpace, the Angles are photos that only show a person from certain, specific angles, so that you're never totally sure how they really look. Like a mixed up puzzle, or a dissected Picasso, the Angles coincide with the Mirror Shot, often self-photographed, and generally looking like a model's pose gone horribly wrong.
    
4. The Arm-Stretch – An off-shoot of The Angles, the Arm-Stretch occurs when one takes a photo of himself while holding the camera up and out, shooting the pic at arm's length. This is only acceptable with two or more people in the photo, and preferably if you are all drunk. If you're alone, chances are whatever you're doing isn't interesting enough to take a photo of, and if it is, again, I highly recommend the camera timer.
    
5. The Not-My-Baby Photo – A photo of you holding someone else's baby. You post the pic, then you put up a caption explaining that the baby does not belong to you. Guys, I get that you're going for the whole "women love baby's" thing, but maybe just got with another picture and save yourself the trouble of explaining – or borrow a friend's puppy…much less likely to scare off the ladies.
    
6. The Visible Cut-Out – Scratched out, blurred out, colored out, cut out, or covered up picture of the person next to you. It's creepy, strange, and a little sad. If you have the photo on your computer, then chances are you have some kind of basic photo editing software. Find the crop tool. Embrace the crop tool. The crop tool is your friend.
    
7. The Beer Bottle Shot – This isn't a don't, per say. I'd just like to point out that a vast number of guys have shots of themselves, at a bar or party, eyelids half open, face a little red, beer bottle in hand. It's a classic, really, but maybe better left to those in their early 20s.
    
8. Thug Pose – The serious-face, flexed muscle shot, meant to look tough, rough, or otherwise badass. You're not fooling anyone, guys. Mom is your hero, and your pitbull, Daisy, is your baby-girl, so put the scowl away and give us a grin.

Shakespeare, You Are Not

I get a lot of awful, ridiculous, eye-roll-worthy messages on the dating sites. It's amazing to me, at times, what people will put out there as a pick-up line. I'd like to share a few of my favorites with you.

1. Hi. You look like a playboy playmate.

• That was the whole message! I think I'm supposed to be flattered, but that's not exactly the look I'm going for, or the compliment I'm hoping to receive. Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet? Well, honey, your father saw my picture, compared me to a naked lady in a magazine, and the rest was history."

2. How are you today? I am April Break this week, so I'm enjoying some time away from school.

• Okay, now to be fair, there was nothing wrong with this email, per say, but the missing word...just two simple letters, completely changed the meaning of the sentence and I found it very interesting. This week, he is April Break. It sounds like a bad stripper name!

3. Hello. You are very beautiful and I know you are probably married, but I just wanted to let you know if you wanna text then we can.

• This message was funny on multiple levels. First, why would you assume I'm married when I'm on a DATING site? Second, and perhaps more importantly, it's great to know that even if I AM married, we can still text if I'd like. Good to know you have such a high set of morals. Or, was I supposed to read that and say, "Wow, he thinks I'm so great that I must already be snapped up off the market! How sweet!" Yeah...didn't so much have that effect.

4. Are you an ageist, or are you open to dating someone a little older? Please let me know. - Bruce (44 years old)

• Every guy knows that the way to a woman's heart is by insulting her. If you don't think a woman will talk to you, perhaps a little bullying will do the trick! Sorry, Bruce, but as it turns out, I guess I am a bit of an ageist - and also terribly allergic to douche bags.

5. Well, I'm old enough to be your father, so good luck in your search.

• Um...just...why? Why even email me in the first place? Just in case the idea of dating someone old enough to be my father is appealing?

6. And last but not least...this one might seem a bit familiar. If so, that's because it is a much longer version of a shorter email that I once dissected on my blog. The guy actually emailed me again, but with a much more detailed list of ridiculous gibberish...So, now, for your reading pleasure, I give you Literary Genius of the Dating World, Take 2.

Hello, my dear, may I say your beauty has me absolutely stunned! (Despite being stunned by my beauty before, he is still stunned again! I must really be something special. Also, let me just stop right here and say that when a guy emails me using a phrase like "my dear" it makes me feel like I'm being contacted by either a creepy evil genius in a bad b-movie, or my creepy uncle Saul (if I had a creepy uncle Saul, which, for the record, I do not...but if I did, he would totally say creepy-ass things like that!) My name is [Literary Genius]. I am 36, 6'2, 250 very athletic pounds. (Very athletic pounds? Swoon! You must be a hunk, Literary Genius!) I love almost all sports, but consider myself to be more of an intellect. I work out four very intense days per week. I am happily separated after 8 years of married. (Note...that is separated...not divorced...dude isn't even divorced yet!) I do not want someone who is shy, uptight or inhibited. (Translation: I want a chick who'll have lots of sex right away!) I am looking for someone whom I have a dangerously addictive chemistry with. (Really? Dangerously addictive? That doesn't sound entirely healthy or realistic. This is the real world, Literary Genius, not a Quentin Tarantino film.) I would love someone who is physically fit or at least goes to the gym. (Translation: No fatties!) I have seen so many people on here that only give one word or one line responses, or don't respond at all. I beseech (Oh! Someone has word of the day toilet paper!) you to not do the same. I hope we can find a connection, my dear. (Yuck! See my earlier comment about "my dear" and how much I love that phrase!)

How to Bore, Annoy, and Otherwise Anger a Woman on the First Date

I was going to post about the Gilda's Club bachelor auction tonight, but after I wrote the whole very interesting and amusing story, my cat stepped on the keyboard and deleted the whole thing. Unwilling to endure the tedium of re-writing it tonight, I give you, instead, the slightly less amusing story of my date from earlier this week.

*

We plan and we primp. We color and condition. We blow dry, we straighten and curl. We flip and we fluff. We file and polish. We exfoliate, we wax and we apply makeup. We wear heels that are tall and dresses that are short, and then we brave the elements and all the havoc they make wreak on the beauty we've created.

It’s amazing how much effort we put into something like a first date, and it’s incredibly frustrating when said date ends up being a total bust.

It’s been said that a person feels like they’re having a good time when they’re talking about themselves, so you should ask lots of questions on a date. Well, I’m sure my date had a really great time, because he did nothing but talk about himself the entire time. We met for drinks at the Winfield, a great little bar/restaurant near my house, and I sat down, ordered a beer and then listened to him talk about himself, brag about himself, and contradict himself for the next hour.

And I learned lots of interesting things about Sir-Talks-A-Lot. I learned that he’s really 43 – not 41, like he originally said…and 41 was already pushing my age limit. I learned that though he says he’s a very easy going guy who never gets angry or loses his cool, he has an awful lot of stories about getting angry with someone and…well…losing his cool. I learned that he hasn’t worked in six months, but he doesn’t really need to because he just rents a room from a buddy and doesn’t really have any costs or responsibilities.(Nothing sexier than a deadbeat with no ambition!)

Oh! And I learned that he is still totally in love with his ex. I learned a lot about her, too. Actually, I learned a lot about her, and her crazy stalker ex-boyfriend, and her two kids, and her minister mother, and even her minister mother’s diabetic dog!

At one point, while he paused to gulp down his third beer, I asked if he was interested in knowing anything about me. He stared directly at my chest and said, “Nah, I like to go on first impressions." He then continued to tell me more about himself.

Eventually, I started to fain exhaustion, yawning and looking sleepy…or bored…take your pick, and finally made my getaway. He called shortly after, to see when I’d like to go out again, so I did the kind, good-karma thing and let him know, nicely, that there wouldn’t be a second date.

Now, I’m all for getting to know each other, and I love to ask my date about himself and learn who he is and what he’s about, and I don’t consider myself to be a very demanding or high-maintenance woman, but I do have a few general must-haves. 1. At least pretend to be slightly interested in SOMETHING about me…other than my chest, and 2. Don’t be completely hung up on your ex…or do a better job pretending that you’re not.

Literary Geniuses of the Dating World

I get a lot of bad emails on the dating sites. I get a lot of messages that just say "How you doin?" (and they're not being ironic.) I get guys who ask, "Where are you from?" Which ensures that they have not read my profile, since the very first sentence says, "I'm from Buffalo." And I once got an email from two different guys on the same day who had identical profiles, which, after a little investigation, I discovered were copied from a site that taught men how to write a good online profile. (Here's a little tip, guys...Don't copy the sample profile WORD FOR WORD!)

But some of my very favorite messages are the form messages, clearly sent to everyone without any personalization whatsoever, and full of sexual sub-context.

Here's once such message... (copied and pasted word for misspelled word)

You look absolutely stunning my dear.I'm here for the same reason that most are and that is to find someone that I truely enjoy being around.Someone to compliment who I am and I can enhance who they are.I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and
romance.From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,someone whom I can have a
stimulating intelectual conversation with.I hope to talk to you later.

Let's break this down.

You look absolutely stunning my dear.

Translation - I'd do you.
I've been given a lot of compliments over the years, but I think this is my first "stunning," and I can tell by the generic context of the rest of the email that he really, truly meant it!

I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and romance.

Translation - I heard the word "bipartisanship" on the news and it makes me sounds smart, and I'm looking for lots of sex, sex, and sex.

From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.

Translation - You're not ugly and you look easy.
Fantastic! Just the impression I was going for! How, exactly, does one seem to be extroverted...especially when one is really not?

I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,

Translation - I'm looking for a girl who wants sex, sex, and sex. 

whom I can have a stimulating intelectual conversation with.

Translation - After the sex we can talk for a while until I fall asleep.

Now, I realize I might seem a tad cynical, here, and maybe a bit mean, but come on! This is what we single women are working with!