Literary Geniuses of the Dating World

I get a lot of bad emails on the dating sites. I get a lot of messages that just say "How you doin?" (and they're not being ironic.) I get guys who ask, "Where are you from?" Which ensures that they have not read my profile, since the very first sentence says, "I'm from Buffalo." And I once got an email from two different guys on the same day who had identical profiles, which, after a little investigation, I discovered were copied from a site that taught men how to write a good online profile. (Here's a little tip, guys...Don't copy the sample profile WORD FOR WORD!)

But some of my very favorite messages are the form messages, clearly sent to everyone without any personalization whatsoever, and full of sexual sub-context.

Here's once such message... (copied and pasted word for misspelled word)

You look absolutely stunning my dear.I'm here for the same reason that most are and that is to find someone that I truely enjoy being around.Someone to compliment who I am and I can enhance who they are.I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and
romance.From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,someone whom I can have a
stimulating intelectual conversation with.I hope to talk to you later.

Let's break this down.

You look absolutely stunning my dear.

Translation - I'd do you.
I've been given a lot of compliments over the years, but I think this is my first "stunning," and I can tell by the generic context of the rest of the email that he really, truly meant it!

I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and romance.

Translation - I heard the word "bipartisanship" on the news and it makes me sounds smart, and I'm looking for lots of sex, sex, and sex.

From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.

Translation - You're not ugly and you look easy.
Fantastic! Just the impression I was going for! How, exactly, does one seem to be extroverted...especially when one is really not?

I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,

Translation - I'm looking for a girl who wants sex, sex, and sex. 

whom I can have a stimulating intelectual conversation with.

Translation - After the sex we can talk for a while until I fall asleep.

Now, I realize I might seem a tad cynical, here, and maybe a bit mean, but come on! This is what we single women are working with!