Literary Geniuses of the Dating World

I get a lot of bad emails on the dating sites. I get a lot of messages that just say "How you doin?" (and they're not being ironic.) I get guys who ask, "Where are you from?" Which ensures that they have not read my profile, since the very first sentence says, "I'm from Buffalo." And I once got an email from two different guys on the same day who had identical profiles, which, after a little investigation, I discovered were copied from a site that taught men how to write a good online profile. (Here's a little tip, guys...Don't copy the sample profile WORD FOR WORD!)

But some of my very favorite messages are the form messages, clearly sent to everyone without any personalization whatsoever, and full of sexual sub-context.

Here's once such message... (copied and pasted word for misspelled word)

You look absolutely stunning my dear.I'm here for the same reason that most are and that is to find someone that I truely enjoy being around.Someone to compliment who I am and I can enhance who they are.I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and
romance.From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,someone whom I can have a
stimulating intelectual conversation with.I hope to talk to you later.

Let's break this down.

You look absolutely stunning my dear.

Translation - I'd do you.
I've been given a lot of compliments over the years, but I think this is my first "stunning," and I can tell by the generic context of the rest of the email that he really, truly meant it!

I'm looking for a union of mutual give and take,of equal bipartisanship,with lots of chemistry,affection and romance.

Translation - I heard the word "bipartisanship" on the news and it makes me sounds smart, and I'm looking for lots of sex, sex, and sex.

From reading your profile you seem to be a girl who cares about her appearance and is extroverted.

Translation - You're not ugly and you look easy.
Fantastic! Just the impression I was going for! How, exactly, does one seem to be extroverted...especially when one is really not?

I'm looking for a gal who is not shy,inhibited or uptight,

Translation - I'm looking for a girl who wants sex, sex, and sex. 

whom I can have a stimulating intelectual conversation with.

Translation - After the sex we can talk for a while until I fall asleep.

Now, I realize I might seem a tad cynical, here, and maybe a bit mean, but come on! This is what we single women are working with!

3 - 2 - 1 Contact!

The guy from last week texted. It's a whole week after we went out and it was the first communication initiated by him. That's probably not a great sign, but he DID text and said he wanted to go out again, so I'm trying to think positive. Of course, no actual date was set or anything...

So, who wants to bet that I won't hear from him again? Anyone? Anyone?

A Watched Phone Never Rings

So I went on a date the other night. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that we met on a certain dating site, we exchanged emails, then texts, and then met, and unlike most "first dates" I've had, this one actually went really well. Conversation flowed smoothly, we laughed a lot, we had a couple drinks, played a little darts...It was a very fun time. He was polite, but sarcastic (in a good way), he paid, and he even walked me to my car. He said he'd like to go out again, I sent my customary "Thanks for tonight, I had a great time," follow-up text, and three days later - I got nothing.

Ok, so to be fair, he had a party Friday night and I had a small get together at my house Saturday night, which just left Sunday. Was hoping I would hear from him today, but I didn't.

Here's where I think the train might have run off the tracks - When my friends got to my house last night I told them a bit about him and they urged me to invite him over. I thought it was too soon, which is why I hadn't already done it, but of course the idea sounded nice, so I texted him to see if he was free. He texted back to say he was out with friends. Ok, no big deal, but now that meant that I couldn't text him today, because then I'd be the creepy texts-too-much stalker girl. So, now the ball is in his court and I have to wait and see if he'll do something with it. If he's interested, he'll call. Right?

But, of course, he hasn't. He still could, and I hope he does, but hasn't, which is a little bit of a bummer, because we seemed to hit it off, we had fun, and let's face it, I'm a delightful human being that any man would be lucky to have!

Hobo Watch

I forgot to share this with everyone last week...

Hobo Watch 2010 officially drew to a close about two hours into the new year. I came home and went up to my room around 2 a.m. The cat followed me, went right to the attic door, and started pawing at it. Then she started to very aggressively attempt to pull the floor guard away from the door! She was almost wild and desperate about it. I called her away from the door and after a minute she abandoned her quest in exchange for some cuddle time.

So, I guess we can safely say there is not a hobo in the attic.

The question is - What IS in the attic? Miss kitty sure wanted to get up there for SOME reason. A mouse? A chipmunk? Perhaps there is a hobo and he has catnip?

I guess we'll never know. I mean, we could know, but that would require me to open the door and go up into the dark, scary attic, and we all know THAT'S not going to happen:)

Speed Dating

So, last night I went on a date with 9 different guys. Each date lasted a short and blessed 6 minutes.

That's right, I went SPEED DATING!!!!

I always wanted to try it. I didn't have very high expectations, which, as it turns out, was a good thing, though it wasn't as bad as I expected. Everyone seemed fairly normally, relatively easy to talk to, but I had zero interest in any of them. Not wanting to put absolutely no matches down, I choose two...a psycho-therapist who looked like his face was made out of plastic and had the personality of a Ken doll, and an IT guy who spent the entire time talking about the house he bought without realizing how much fixing it needed. I wasn't actually interested in them, felt no connection and figured they didn't either, but I had to put something.

The email with my matches was waiting for me when I got home. As it turned out, neither of my picks choose me, but I did get four other undesirables that deemed me date-worthy. Four out of nine. Now, I don't think I'm a supermodel or anything, but I do think I'm a fairly good catch, and yet only four out of nine picked me? The bald professor that liked swing dancing didn't pick me? The chubby nurse who was clearly gay but didn't know it didn't pick me? The Ken doll with no personality didn't pick me???

I have to say, it's a little discouraging to get rejected by people you don't even like.

The highlight of the evening came with my second last dater, who was actually someone I had gone out with once, about a year ago. The best part...I'd made a huge fool out of myself when we'd gone out a year before.

Let me set the scene...It was a snowy night. I was in a bar downtown. I had spent almost three hours listening to him drone on about his horrible wife who was divorcing him, the job he'd just lost, and the house he was building but probably wouldn't be able to afford anymore. A real winner! When I was finally getting ready to leave, I couldn't find my keys. I was in a bit of a panic - not because I would have to call AAA and wait, or because some crazy person might have the keys to my car and house, but because I might be stuck talking to this guy even longer. He walked me to my car, looked in the window and saw the keys in the ignition. He pulled open the door, which I had apparently forgotten to lock, and that was when I first noticed that my car, unlike all the others, had no snow on it, despite being on the street during a fairly heavy snow fall. Then I heard the music blaring as he opened the door. Then I felt the heat pouring out.

That's right - I left my car running for the entire three hours that I was in the bar!

So, when he walked up to the table and sat down, he said "I've met you before," and I said, "That's right. I'm the crazy girl who left her car running for three hours!"

His response: "I tell everyone that story!"

And now, apparently, so do I :)

Date Date Revolution

So I've fallen back into the the online dating cycle. I still actually think I'm not really ready to meet someone, but I'm back into it, none the less...it always seems to happen this way...I get bored and a little lonely feeling, and after a couple of nights in a row of invisibly trolling the dating sites, I pick one, update my profile a little, and then pop it up there.

At first, it's a little exciting. I keep compulsively checking it for the first few hours as the emails pour in, and I feel just a little bit like a super star, the most popular girl on the site! But I quickly realize that's it's not quantity, it's quality, and the quality isn't there. I'm getting tons of emails, but they're from the same couple of non-desirable types:

1. Guys that are old enough to be my father. Really? Really guys? Actually...Really, old men? REALLY? Do they actually think I'm going to respond? Sorry, not looking for another daddy.

2. Guys that live far away. Why are you bothering?

3. Guys who are looking to "just have fun" or for "nothing serious." To them I say READ MY PROFILE and then move on. I'm sure there are plenty of girls on here looking for a fling. I am not one of them.:)

4. Guys who are currently separated. If you have a girlfriend, a fiance, a wife, a pack of wives, a harem, or even a wife you are separated from on paper, I'm not interested. Funny as it may seem, I'd like to find someone who is actually able and available to build a life with ME.

5. Thugs. What is the deal with all the guys who look like they're part of a gang? Do I look like I'd go for a guy like that? If so, I'm seriously doing something very wrong.

Where are the quality guys? Oh! I know...NOT ONLINE DATING:)

All I Want For Christmas Is...

Made it through yet another "single again" Christmas.

What did Santa bring me, you ask? Well, I got a lovely bout of laryngitis, a two hundred dollar vet bill for my balding cat who apparently has nothing wrong with her, and the grand opportunity to rehash my break-up with the ex on Christmas night, and try to re-explain why we weren't together.

I still don't think he gets it. Or, he gets, he just doesn't want to because that means he no longer gets to have his cake and eat it, too...me being the cake and his warped sense of "non-committed freedom" being the too:)

I still have to get through the dreaded "who will I kiss at midnight" New Years, but I never have and never will have high hopes for that holiday. Does anyone, ever, have really great plans for New Years Eve? For me and the vast majority of my friends it's always been one of those nights that you hype up and try desperately to find something cool to do, only to end up either: a. running from bar to bar in an attempt to find someplace decent to ring in the new year and magically make you feel like a part of something more than a just small building full of random, drunk strangers, or b. fall asleep alone on the couch at 10:30 p.m.

I think I'll be opting for option number 2. Much less opportunity for disappointment that way.